


Heretical Opinions Held By Dr. Radek Zelenka, Ph.D., Ph.D.

by esteefee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-29
Updated: 2009-06-29
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As transcribed by esteefee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heretical Opinions Held By Dr. Radek Zelenka, Ph.D., Ph.D.

1\. _Dr. Rodney McKay is not as smart as he thinks he is._

[Though Radek is surprised, and even amazed at the solutions Rodney conjures out of the ether at times, Radek also believes that crystalline focus to be more often than not the very cause of Rodney's downfall. As a laser encountering a smudge of dirt on the gel overloads on its own power, Rodney is the cause of his own explosive failures, just as he is sometimes the source of pure, brilliant light.]


2\. _Pražská vodka became better after the Swedes took over production._




3\. _The Expedition is ridiculously underequipped. _

[Far be it for him to criticize those in power, but it has been obvious to Radek since their first week in Atlantis they had made a grave error in coming to Pegasus so understaffed. More marines are required, and bigger guns, and the _Daedalus_ times twenty. Also, personal shields for every inhabitant would be nice, very nice. Just to begin.]


4\. _The American Military, with few exceptions, are bigoted idiots._

[Also, they have small souls, and terrible penis envy. In this estimation, Radek does not include Colonel Sheppard (though sadly Radek has never seen his penis.) The Colonel seems to try harder than most to be inclusive. One time he even came to Radek's chess club meeting and brought with him some of Halling's good distilled wine. It was the best party the chess club has ever had. If the Colonel were not in the American Military, Radek would be in danger of having a terrible crush, the Colonel's strange hair notwithstanding.]


5\. _Atlantis is not sentient._

[Radek realizes more than a few members of the expedition have taken to calling the city "her" and telling not-interesting anecdotes of times the city has come to their aid or seemed to accommodate or anticipate their needs in inexplicable ways, but it is not true. The city is a collection of walls, windows, bits, ducts (many of which Radek has crawled through), wiring, piping and power. It is not a _she_. It is not aware of them—only components are responsive as per the dictates of ATA. 

No matter how many times the doors suddenly close in Rodney's face to Sheppard's (and Radek's) amusement.]




6\. _Children do not belong in the lab._

[They are all, without exception (even little Torren John), evil creatures bent on destroying the fabric of the universe or, finding it convenient, a delicately prepared simulation representing many many hours hard work.]


7\. _Being converted into a super-powered mutant being against your will is not such a bad thing._

[Radek wouldn't mind, just once, being super. Instead, always with the stabbing him in the stomach or blasting him with electricity or braiding his hair. Is patently unfair.]


8\. _Rodney McKay's rear end is nothing special._

[Yes, his brain—on par with Radek's and other geniuses throughout history. His rear end, however, usually clad in loose, wrinkled uniform pants, is nothing to write Prague about. However, Radek has noticed, to his annoyance, that Colonel Sheppard perhaps has a different appreciation.]


9\. _Puddlejumpers are also unnattractive._

[Big, boxy, inelegant. He could design much better, and has, in fact, late at night when Rodney has finally been lured away from the lab by the Colonel's boyish antics and pleading grin (Radek is not at all jealous.) The new schematics are almost complete, and Radek has very inappropriate vision of what could occur when he unveils his new Jumper Mark II for the Colonel. This is not right, Radek knows, but thankfully Atlantis has not chosen to broadcast his thoughts over a telepathic band. A man is allowed fantasies, and this one is harmless. 

The Jumper MII, however, is not. It will have a de-molecularizing laser, along with hyperdrive and a hot/cold drink dispenser in the dash. And a bathroom, not just a waste port.

Someday, Radek will build it.]




10\. _They will all most likely die soon. But that is all right._

[Radek is here for a reason—for the beauty of this science, and the minds and the people he works with. He will be most honored to die beside them. Their work, however, will live on.]


  
_End._

A/N: Thanks to [gaffsie](gaffsie.livejournal.com) for providing a link to [trinityofone's screenshots of Rodney's rear-end](http://trinityofone.livejournal.com/49573.html), but I have to admit I found them disappointingly unimpressive. Maybe his ass in canon is not up to fanon's expressions thereof, but fanon is more important, anyway. His ass is what we make of it.


End file.
